You don't know -- until you know.

Not pregnant anymore.

I’ve joined the other 10-20% of women who have suffered a miscarriage.

I torture myself with questions.

• Was I too stressed?
• Am I too old?
• Did I want the baby enough?
• Was my bath too hot?
• Was my vitamin D too low?
• Was it because I didn’t want another boy?
• Did I stand next to the microwave too long?
• Was it bad food that I ate?
• Was there a chromosomal abnormality?

But that’s it. It’s over. No more heartbeat. No more baby arriving in September.

It was a long 18 weeks of accepting our “oops baby,” then falling madly in love with our new reality, then the devastation of saying goodbye, and then waiting for the baby to pass. It was brutal.

I have a new appreciation for those struggling with infertility and for those that have lost their babies, some early on and some at the end of gestation. It is all devastating. I am just so sorry.

Sending love to anyone who has felt this pain.